i really think i have a tumor. i hate stupid health issues that could be avoided (if i was healthier)- like cancer. i think it might be moving around. do tumors move?


time to write more papers

haha! victory. anyway. i will return to work now, having fucked around for far longer than i ought. it's been a funny day- i haven't pulled an all nighter like that in a while, and especially not one without the use of prescription pharmaceuticals.... one would think that getting an hour of sleep the night before a final would be a tremendously shitty idea.... all i can say is at least i got an hour.

and gentes is letting this noh paper go till sat. morning? i really need to do it by friday afternoon. or at least tell myself it will be done then, and just hope for the best.

right. back on the set and covering all bets.

went over there last night at approx. 3 am, cuddled with him for a while, and left (at 6) feeling (again) like he really didn't want me to be there at all. i felt like i was stealing some happiness, that i was gratifying some pleasure that was (almost) vampiric in its onesided nature. i realized at dinner last night (with him and lizm) that i wanted things from him that he wasn't able to give me- i don't know it seems simple to say now, but it was a pretty major realization for me. and in the end, i can't at all ask that of him, i shouldn't have, and whatever, it doesn't really matter now coz we won't see each other for a long long time, but now i know what i want for the summer. lizm and i hashed it out: we don't want supercommited relationships, we want something monogamous for the length of time that we'll be home, with someone we can talk to and have fun with... and still both people have a recognition of the limitations imposed on the relationship.

such odd dreams. the last one was a party in my room- i just came back and there were all these people in there and they were like "uh, who are you?" and i was all "who the hell are you this is my room" and then there were a bunch of people just poking around my things looking for drinks and i was all "THERE IS NO ALCOHOL HERE, stop looking" and started to freak out a little. Then they lit the candles, and threw the still burning matches on my computer. the cake said "(something) Ry k(something) Ry!" and i blew out the matches and woke up and the phone rang.

there were tons more, too, for the amount of actual sleeping that went on. i feel like i need to not be sooo depressed about the work stuff right now, and at the same time it's like, no, a certain amount of depression is appropriate, considering how much you've fucked up in the past. i suppose it just needs to be the right amount to keep me working without totally disabling me and making me fall asleep again.