too tired to handle much of anything at all. i just really need a lot of sleep right now and i wish that the work that i needed to do could be done in the amount of time i have to do it. i keep feeling like something has to give, and i haven't figured out what it is/will be yet. i mean my health is shot but that was to be expected- now i feel like i ought to have sacrificed enough so the universe ought to let me get my shit done, but of course the fact that i chose to give up any remnant of good health means that i am now incapacitated and unable to do the work that i thought was so much more important than sleeping or eating.

what a weird week. monday, liz and i stayed after class to watch the terrukuttu video- i had gone straight from mom conversation to class to sitting with liz and watching a guy bite the head off of a live chicken and drink its blood, to coming outside to see the beautiful boy with the glasses talking to the dorky, just-my-type boy that has class right after we do. and they looked like they were enjoying the conversation, which only made my feelings of agression towards both of them intensified. i have no memory of monday evening, but i was definitely up till 6 something. then sleeping for a little and running around going to class on tues, coming home to see rashelle super drunk at half past four, the wonderful talk with him that made my evening/night/most of week, working late tuesday night (missing him at table manners (but he came by afterwards and wanted to fall asleep on me)) and hanging out with paul and mike and matt, all of whom were seriously intoxicated and just generally funny to be around, getting just stoned enough to have some really good ideas before completely passing out, walking into class on wednesday with absolutely nothing representative of the first part of the semester to turn in for evaluation, coming home and having a cigarette with liz and erik's funny neighbor, knowing i would not be able to go to strawberries and champagne that night, not even working, just sleeping all night long, getting up at 2:30 and thinking i would do work, sleeping and sleeping snd sleeping- instead of working in the morning, and then though class coz i just couldn't stop. then class and class and feeling like i'd just barely escaped the week alive, that i had set a new tier of precarious karma on top of the tower i'd been building, coming home thursday and sleeping before going to dinner with nathandrea, then the soak, getting soo trashed and then crawling into bed with him (the latter being the highlight of the week, without a doubt), coming home and sleeping completely through work, feeling rather like a fuckup and dealing with it by having a picnic. and work and now bed, at one of the earlies times i've been asleep this week. muthafukincrazy is all i have to say.

yeah, so don't think work will be started before seven. that's really no good.

and the conversation i had with him

dammit.

(liz) i'm thinking about (what you said about) beauty|consequences... (i feel like) the other day in asian religions we were talking about some really important things, and the discussion wasn't really allowed to develop...

'and they threw me out of school coz i swore at all the teachers because they never teach us a thing i want to know'

altering my mental space at this moment:

• AIR-ce matin la
• posted by ryan at 7:30 PM

reading the article....

Coleridge: "the mind half-sees, half-creates"

Etan to Hakuin: 'You poor child of the devil in a dark dungeon'

effin cool: "what Eckhart refers to when he writes:

'If I am to know God directly, I must become completely he and he I: so that this he and this I become and are one I.'

What permits... this unitive, absorptive mysticism of the divine he and the finite I found in Christian mysticism, though absent from its Jewish counterpart, is, I believe, the formative influence of the essential incarnational theology of Christianity which is predicated upon an admixing of human and divine elements in the person of Jesus which is outside the limits of the Judaic conciousness." -Stephen Katz

fun words:

• monism (metaphysical system based on the assumption of a single ultimate principle or kind of being instead of two or more)
• contradistinction (distinction by contrast or opposition)
• nirvanaized (which does not appear in the oed, though 'nirvanaing' does.... hmmmm)
• auto-didacticism (also not in the oed, but didacticism is)
• antinomianism (avowed rejection of the moral law)
• supererogatory (going beyond what is commanded or required (by G*d in this reading)(ps. scrabble fiends eat your heart out: supererogatorian))

dammit eaten post. yesterday was a long day, started with a couple of hours of sleep followed by an angry conversation with mona which got to the point where i sat up in bed and yelled into the phone "I'M NOT SAYING I PLAN ON SOCIALIZING SO MUCH THAT I FAIL OUT OF SCHOOL, I'M JUST SAYING THAT I DON'T THINK I CAN SAVE THE WORLD BY MONDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT"...yeah, then a walk to class with erik and liz and a couple of cmc mochas at lunch. i have one of the worst room draw numbers possible, and i haven't thought at all about next year.... or this summer for that matter. i think i'll be living at home, if only coz i have done nothing to set up another situation.

i need to do this mysticism reading coz, haha, i hafta present tomorrow in class..... AAA.

also, he wrote a beautifully written email back, i wrote him a letter, he imed me. we'll talk tomorrow, i told him i'd call him after class. in my fantasy world, we have this wonderful relationship where it doesn't really matter that we both need to work through our issues and we just smile all the time. i miss seeing him smile.

Monday, April 08, 2002

so lots has happened recently. theo (i'm still not used to calling him that) emailed the other day.... i haven't been keeping in touch with him enough. or nick, for that matter. and my silly email to haley totally doesn't count as communication. listening to ben harper, kinda spacing out.

and hours later. done with a really long email to him which can basically be summarized as: I HAVE ISSUES. i'm feeling like i shouldn't have sent it coz i don't think he needs any more issues in his life right now, but its a little late for that. i don't want him to think that he needs to deal with my shit on top of his own, but i also don't want him to just think things are copacetic.

bathroom party was faboo, details to follow (my passing out and getting up for class).