"Among the apparent results of two decades of liberalization was the election last year of Bertrand Delanoë as the first openly gay mayor of Paris and the recent booming success of places like Le Dépôt."

while i realize that semantically and contextually this statement could mean that such a thing would not have happened before because social norms would have prohibited it, the fact remains that the implication buried in the construction challenges Delanoe's legitimacy as a public official on the basis of his sexuality.

i'm lying to myself about him right now. i'm telling me that he doesn't want my friendship, so it's hardly like i'm keeping something from him. finally, i'm imagining him thinking, finally that clingy grotty boy is out of my clean and confused life. i know none of this is true. and i know that by trying to stay away from him as much as possible, i'm not being a supportive friend, or a friend at all. i'm much more being like a creep who treats him poorly. i know he deserves more than that, especially now. the part of me that doesn't care about all the things that i know is much more in charge right now. and it's still (stupidly, coz i also know that not of this is his fault) angry. it still uglily wants him to hurt a little. not a lot, but just enough to feel it (like i felt it). that part (me) is not really thinking about how much he's either not hurting (coz it's/i'm listening to myself telling it lies) or hurting and getting over it and getting so past me and my stupid issues.

_{ommanipadmehumommanipadmehumommanipadmehumommanipadmehumommanipadmehum..........}

lotsonmynoodle

1st. saw him wednesday past (aka le premiere, aka yesterday) and had a really shitty exchange with him- not like it was a negative interaction on a surface level, more that it made me feel like crap. I could feel in myself a desire to honestly ask him how he was, deeper than "what's up"- and at the same time, i could feel myself resisting, suppressing, holding back and presenting my most indifferent facade.

2nd. no more word from l'homme des lunettes. which i am thankful for, though i think i have committed another karmic violation. why can't i just let things happen as they are wont to do? i have a really hard time judging the appropriateness of assertiveness occasionally.

3rs. so little time to do everything that needs to get done. arg arg arg arg ar g arg ar g a r g a r gar g ar ga r g ar g a r g a r ga rga r ga rga rg ar gar g

haven't posted in a while. b----e (rhymes with "nice") called and came over to drop off the sunglasses the other day. i could tell he wanted to flirt, or at least talk. i'm really not being narcissistic (sp?)--- you can just intuit sometimes when someone is interested. my hypothesis was further supported by him calling me two minutes after i had ushered him out of my room and asking if i "liked hiking".... and then he wanted to know if i wanted to go with him right then (this was sunday) up the mountain. i was like "uh, i have a ten page paper to write" (which _{rather incidentally} is the truth) and tried to let him down gently. dammit erik is waiting. i'll close on this scary thought: am i that obvious when i'm interested in someone? does it seem quite as desperate an attempt to them as that did to me? hmmmm.....