we cuddled last night after liz went to bed, just sorta laying there and falling asleep together, which was, needless to say, lovely. i let him really sleep after about an hour of drifting off in each others arms. i really really like his corporeality. the feeling of resting my head on his chest and listening to his heart beat while i feel the gentle warmth of his sweet sleeping body against mine--- i am taken far far away from the shit that i need to do before tomorrow, from the stupid issues that make me feel less than sane... he is my sweetest escape.

i'm a good kisser
and you're a fast learner
and that kinda thing could float us
for a pretty long time

(ani)

jared's profile today: "leave categories, roles and any of your preconceived notions behind. this is post-anthropomorphism - there is no underlying narrative to life, be comfortable with postmodernism. stop searching and finally find everything. detach and accept the pieces for what they are. laugh a little. leave human desires for death and end to boredom behind and fully engage in every moment. leave the past; its only another type of death. the only life we have is the present. accept everything for what it is in itself, not what it is in terms of everything else. its time to stop holding yourself back from shaping your life - don't fight changes in life. you've gotta have balls to leave these comforts behind but the reward is complete self-determinism. joyful participation in the sorrows of the world."

he just thunk that up. my kids are soo cool. i'm gonna be a grandpa. and ethan and anjuli's lineage will grow and grow.

bleagh. that's honestly like the most authentic expression of how i feel right now. i could go on at length about the multiple factors that are contributing to the general state of bleaghness- like not really consuming anything but coffee and an orange today, sleeping through class this morning, not having my presentation ready in one of my classes and then doing a spectacularly shitty job on my presentation in my other class, the now 6 papers that have piled up (not counting those older paper for art history), not really doing any work last night, the fact that i know i may not do any work tonight.... ok i need to stop or i may go insane.

um yeah.

us tonight: so this extra good friends thing... not working out (smile)

i hate losing posts

he's so beautiful. he's very... well-formed. as if someone took a little extra time when they were at the drawing board to make sure that everything came out just right.

i really could have stayed there for another hour....but it actually felt very nicely timed, like we had as much of a distraction as we could really handle. speaking of distractions.

and, just to note. tonight, at roughly a minute past midnight. or possibly a minute till. first night of epiphany.

so that was basically the single most disheartening and maddening experience i've had in recent memory. two hours of my life basically completely wasted. i kinda can't handle the though of it. not to mention i fucking dinnt buy another pack of cigarettes coz i was there, i can't even begin to believe it. i ran over there, stood in the crowd of people that just reminded me why i don't like basically all the boys in my class, and got progressively more and more fucked. wow. school can bite my ass.

'sfine. whatever. fucking rat bastards who grabbed our friendship suite. they too can get in on the ass biting. erik and liz have no idea just how lucky they are. in other news, i worked my ass off (yup, no ass, it wasn't very cute to begin with, but what with the working and the biting, it's pretty much gone now) to be ready to present today, and of course the kid before me basically used the entire class period to do his presentation, so i worked and missed class and stressed for, oh, NOTHING. whatever whatever whatever. time to think about doing work, say fuck it, and move on.


menthol cloves? can you kill yourself any more sweetly?

liz tonight: "you guys are really big dorks. you know that, don't you?"

.....yeah. so i just got to spend like two hours with him. is it a problem that that has been the highlight of my week? liz says it's not so much a problem as a situation. which it most definitely is. i know that he doesn't feel the same way that i do, i know that what i'm feeling isn't really clear. but it's like i look at him and all the stupid love songs make sense. which is not to say that i think i'm love with him. but all the contradictions and the implications and the conditions of the situation dissolve for me when i look at his face, when i feel his fingertips along my arm, when i *[rest my head on his chest and listen to him breathe]. he completes a part of me that i didn't know was lacking--- and i can hear how cliched that sounds but i don't care.

does it matter that i can't explain why i feel this way? can anyone really explain attraction? i really feel like i'm drawn to him- like i can choose between opening myself up to this part of me that pulls me toward him just as naturally as water following the laws of gravity, as green things growing towards the sun, or i can just deny that that part of me exists and 'get on with my life'- but that feels soo inauthentic to me.

and then there's moments like just before we parted- it felt so much more distant than we had been only moments before, and i couldn't figure out what had happened in the span of time it took to get from liz's bed to the foot of his stairs that could have made it feel that way.

i need to do work. i can't blather on about him any more.

well, i need need NEED to write these papers. but he just came by (with liz and his prospie) and I GOT TO TOUCH HIM... okay that sounded dirty. we just kinda held fingers under the blanket while we sat on the balcony. but dammit it really made me happy. i am such such such a big dork.

okay- some neo freudian bits : "it seems clear... that the ocularcentrism of various Jewish mystical traditions, related to visionary passages in the Bible, is indicative of a phallomorphic culture, that is, the scopic mentality of Jewish mystics betrays an androcentric eroticism that places the externalized and representable form, the phallus, at the center of the visual encounter." ....ah, yes, there's his reference to Irigaray. i should have guessed.

"The theophanic imaging if God affirmed by the German Pietists and Provencal-Spanish kabbalists should be seen as continuous both with the aggadic motifs, which are themselves exegetical elaborations of the prophetic tradition of Scripture linked specifically to visualization of divine forms, and the docetic reinterpretation of Hekhalot visions influenced in some cases by a Neoplatonic epistemology." i feel like i'm in first grade again, and i'm trying to read the newspaper.... i understand what the words mean, but by the time i get to the end of the sentence, i can't make any sense of it.

woo hoo, eleven pm, and 67 pages to go!

doing another reading, so here are some more words:

• apophatism (knowledge of God obtained by way of negation)
• theophany (a manifestation or appearance of God or a god to man)
• desideratum (something for which a desire or longing is felt (the plural is soo over.)
• docetic (of or pertaining to the Docetæ, an early sect of heretics, who held that Christ's body was not human, but either a phantom, or of real but celestial substance)

t.b. is looking better, praise be to the neosporin gods. talk with the fam this evening, went all right- nothing too dramatic. i miss them, sorta, but i'll be home soon enough... what a very very weird thing to think about- being home with them. and not seeing erik or liz again for such a long time. i go a couple of days without them and i feel like i'm disconnected from this part of myself that makes me real... it's such a funny friendship. i could never have imagined having friends like them- like, what? and now they'll be out of my life for at least a year. i don't know how that makes me feel- i do think that it would have been incredible to all be going to nepal together, and it's ironic to me that i was all gung ho about nepal and then the two of them got really into it and now i won't be there with them. they leave in august. how crazy. i can't even begin to imagine where i'll be in august (mentally at least) and yet i know that i'll eventually be at the point where august is just a memory (a good one i hope).

and i wonder how my feelings for him will be/change over the summer- we're both very open to whatever comes our way i think (come on, he was hoping for a cute boy to sleep in his room) and i don't expect to get like major play in the next couple of months but i just think it'll be something that we haven't really really had to deal with. still, if he got (with) a boy between now and the end of the school year, i almost feel like we'd be able to be closer in some respects- at least i would feel like there would be a reason to keep my hands off of him, which there isn't really in my head right now- and not having any good reason means that i have a hard time with the whole idea.

after reading theo and his boy's pages sporadically, i kinda want to meet this brian character. he seems just right for theo, or they seem right for each other, and that makes me happy. i can't really imagine the three of us hanging out though- too bizarre. maybe theo, the shirt, allison and i can all go out and.... ok, i don't even know how to finish that sentence. it's a funny thing to think about though. i imagine if alcolhol was to be involved in any way, i would get really bitchy (not for any particular reason, just coz that's what happens), al would get silly, and the two of them would deal with us by retreating into their own world.

went to nappy initatitiion tonight basically without meaning to- i thought for a little while that erik needed some car assistance, but no, instead we pulled into the compound for the nappy slapping drunkenness that was initiation. the daq really was the only thing that could have mellowed out that crowd... not that teddy c was gettin any more mellow by the end of that. there are animals making noise outside my window. drat. up late again.

so i feel like i might be taking things with him for granted again. it feels so right that i may be completely ignoring something; either that or i ought to just stop analyzing.....

nose is all red from tp kleenex. in addition to the burn (hereafter to be called 't.b.'), the redness under and surrounding my nostrils really brings out that lifeless, gray color my skin takes on when i get really sick. t.b. was acting up again today, making me feel like a scrub (and not having shaven etc etc), and i wonder what happens if you're like gwenyth paltrow or kate moss and you get t.b.? i suppose you go into seclusion with some pricey dermatologists who make things better. friggin celebrities. seriously though, what a fucked up system where there are people making so much money that they have like personal skin care people and then are are people starving, barely eking out an existence and NOT GETTING PROPER HEALTH COVERAGE?! sweet zombie jesus.

made a to do list, we'll see how much aCtually gets accomplished