listening to p5, waiting for mona to call back, welll she just did things are so not at all resolved and i need to pack that huge frigging suitcase!

deleted incomprehensible drunken blogs x3.

so so so so happy i got to hang out with vicky again tonight... she really makes me happy ... i think i need to be not quite such a fan boy and say 'wow' after every thing she says, even if i feel it


tired. partyies and much drunkenness all over the place tonight. nice to work our way north and then come home sloely

tired.

everyone hated that save ferris convert except for me.

oh sigh, i'll prolly see the sun rise soon (again). liz, hereafter known as lizd, came over after we came back from adam and erica's (which was where the afterparty was after table manners (THE LAST ONE, >sob<) which (TM that is) incidentally friggin rocked the shit... i was a little out of control but ya know) and we talked for a while. like till 5 am.

they're going to have a simply amazing time in nepal. and i am beginning to be aware of the fact that maybe liz, hereafter known as lizm, is really really right and things really do happen for a reason.

NYTIMES: "the 70s are so 90s, the 80s are now" .......bleagh gag me please... i am soo sick of trends. like first of all, if you'd been paying any attention you would have realized that yes the trend was swinging that way again. but more importantly, its like... eeewww. its not about what's deemed cool or what's in right now. how is that at all relevant to life? here:

WE DON'T NEED diy FASHION, WE NEED diy STYLE, dammit.

convo with al, then basically sleeping, or trying to anyways.... i have so thoroughly fucked my sleep rythms over at this point... i lay there, trying to fall asleep coz i knew i was nowhere near coherent enough to function, and ended up being wide awake with my eyes closed for about 2 hours, then had some wonky dream about liz and erik and this bizarre cake being served at snack.... i woke up to a ringing phone, but missed it. it was, bien sur, les deux, though i don't know if my night would have been that much different had i actually gotten the phone--- they'd have been like "let's party" and i'd have been like "i'm not moving" then later a call, and it was vicky. so i was happy, and hung out with her in erik's room for an hour catching up, and have not gone back to sleep coz i told myself i needed to do work, though of course this is the most typing that i've done since i've been back.

little baby jesus indeed.

almost an hour later. home to the familiar sight of jared and lucas' door. i think one of the reasons i'm not a better sponsor is coz i'm not very much of an open door, say hi when you come home kinda person- e, iz, viv, and kat are. i just hope the kids don't hold it against me too much.

so feeling a little existential after reading the tao te ching all day. like, what is the point?

i am tired.

andimout.

so i sent the letter, and we talked online a little about it. i feel better for the most part. and the rest? well i just need to face it and deal, as liz says.

i felt so motivated not 20 minutes ago, and it's worn off. i really think it must have been the drugs. erik is calling soon pour que nous- phone, liz, "...yaha!! I'm there!"- fumer.

other news. i hate the fact that i'm only getting credit for 3 classes, i really really need another week of working with NO ONE else around to distract myself with, and the tao will save us all.


goodnight.

so yeah, long time no blog once again. here's an imaginary letter to him:

hey-
i don't know if you remember this part of last night or not, but as i was tucking you in, you seemed to want me to stay. and i didn't- i left because it felt a little less than right. it seemed slightly... misguided perhaps? like i would have been taking you up on an offer that you wouldn't have made were you in a different state of mind. i think i just need to get this off my chest because if for half a second i had thought that you really wanted me to be there, i would have stayed- but as much as i might have wanted you to want that, i don't think you did.